May 23, 2012

Skinny Jeans are Hazardous to Your Health!

Women and men are victims
of the skinny jean. I'm sure
this guy has ceased to
circulate blood and his legs
are slowly being deprived
of life supporting oxygen.
That's right! Skinny jeans are evil, they can cause serious pain, agony, and suffering...and that's just the psychology of them. But don't they just look fabulous with a pair of heels?

When I first heard that skinny jeans were making a comeback, I believe my scream was heard all they way to Nova Scotia. I endured skinny jeans in the 80's and as God was my witness, I didn't want to go through that misery again. What's more, this torture (innocently labeled "fashion") isn't for everyone...yet there are many poor souls stuck on the floor, as I type this, with a pair of these denim traps stuck on each leg with no other option out but to cut themselves out....not unlike an animal caught in a trap.

But seriously, I just read an article that suggested skinny jeans really could be harmful to your physical health.  Internist, Octavio Bessa, in 1993, coined the term "Tight Pants Syndrome" (he was a little late as I believe this fashion was done and over with by then...typical scientist). From my own experience, I would suggest the symptoms of Tight Pants Syndrome would include; big time muffin topage, lack of blood flow to lower extremities (and head...leading to dizziness and disorientation), followed by a deep sense of fear and loathing knowing that soon ,these must come off (break out the Vaseline and a crowbar).

The scientific (and more mature) list of symptoms, however, include; digestive problems, pinched nerves, and blood clots...gross eh? Dr. Karen Boyle also noted that super tight jeans can lead to some scary condition called meralgia paresthetica (also known as nerve damage).....but they sure look good paired with some sexy hot platforms, eh?

The skinny jean made it's debut in the 1800's (not, as we may believe, the 1980's). As we can see above, a special skinny pant removal machine was invented to assist in the removal of said skinny jeans (or in this case pants). 
All I know, is if I am wearing a pair of tight pants all day, I turn into a real bitch quick. The agony of movement coupled with the over exaggerated panus spill is enough to get me into sweat pants (in the office I might add) lickety split (as I allow the feelings of true happiness wash over me like a summer rain on a hot day)! Seriously, the definition of bliss really is peeling off the tight pants and donning a pair of your favorite university sweats.  So is the sacrifice worth the look? And....does it even look that great?

I realize that fashion and health sometimes do not make the best "bed fellows" (isn't that the saying?). But there has to be a healthy compromise if one is going to be functional and happy. High platform shoes are not only dangerous (I'm surprised there hasn't been a rash of severe ankle sprains) but they also look like gigantic Frankenstein-like bricks on the end of each leg. Couple those with skinny jeans and you have an explosive cocktail of danger that may be unleashed at any moment (in the form of a very surly woman who has had enough pain, discomfort, and gas for one night).

Seriously, just say no to this torture and
wear what makes you comfortable! I
cannot believe these britches would make
anyone feel comfortable.
So now the research is in. For your own health, happiness, and mental well-being, throw away the second skin and embrace anything else! Your nerve and vascular system will thank you.

....and that's all I have to say about that (Forest Gump).

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